


The Adventures of Stanrick Sánchez and Dipper and Mortbel Smith

by Cartoon_Idiot_59



Series: Uncle Idiot's 2020 Stanuary-palooza [3]
Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22387150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartoon_Idiot_59/pseuds/Cartoon_Idiot_59
Summary: Ever wonder about the backstory of the Dipper and Mabel Morties in "The Rickshank Rickdemption"? Me, too!
Relationships: Dipper & Wendy, Mortbel/Everybody, Stanrick & Rickford, Stanrick & The Kids, Wendy Corduroy/Robbie Valentino
Series: Uncle Idiot's 2020 Stanuary-palooza [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1596772
Comments: 23
Kudos: 7





	1. Well, Hello There, Weary Traveller

**Author's Note:**

> Hmm, week three. Au's. Reverse Falls? Don't care for it, don't like evil Dipper and Mabel. Monster Falls? Nothing to say. Transcendence? Haven't a clue. Timestuck? Maybe, but there's already so many good ones. Flipside? Too new, I respect the author too much. Guess I'll make up my own.

My name is Stanrick Sánchez and my entire life has been a waste of time. Everything I believe was a lie and I might as well die. Maybe I should start from the beginning. It was a lifetime ago in Glass Sands New Mexico, where I was born along with my twin brother Rickford. My fuckin' brother was a God-damned super genius. He also had really stupid fuckin' hair. Seriously, like it looks like three glops of fuckin' soft-serve ice cream coming off of the top and sides of his head. He also has a stupid beard like what's-his-name from Anthrax. Anyway back when we were just kids we found a bunch of garbage in a cave. We decided we were going to build a spaceship and get the fuck off of this loser planet. We used to get beaten up just because we could do differential equations and N-dimensional geometry. I mean, what ten year old can't, right? Fuckin' morons! Also because, like I said, he had REALLY stupid hair. 

OK, gettin' a little off track here. So, like we worked on the god-damned motherfucking spaceship for YEARS, right? But then, my asshole brother decides he wants to go to motherfucking college! I mean, school's no place for smart people, right? Some asshole stands at the front and says two plus two and the shit eating trained monkeys spit back four or manifest destiny or whatever bullshit is up the teacher's ass. And you need a piece of paper to say you can go and take a dump and if you grab some fine piece's titties people get all bent out of shape.

Wandering off the beam again, sorry. So anyhoo, Rickford invents a death ray and it takes out one wing of the school and, no, I didn't have anything to do with that as far as you know. So we both get drummed out of school and our dad says he's had enough high-concept sci-fi rigamarole and kicks us out of the house. I call him an asshole and he calls me a cunt and we go our separate ways. 

So I wander around, hitting casinos where there are any, 'cause counting cards is easy. I do a little burglary 'cause locks are RIDICULOUSLY simple machines, really, if you think that a fuckin' lock keeps you safe then you've got another think coming 'cause the one you're using is no damn good! Anyone with the brains god gave a goose can open up most locks in about a second. I got into the cocaine trade because, you know, it was the '70s, everyone was doing it, might as well make a little money, right? That gets me locked up in Columbia but, no problem, 'cause locks, right? Locks are easy! But somehow I never quite get ahead and I've got a bunch of assholes who want to kill me. So, I'm lying low in some shitty hotel in the middle of nowhere and somehow I get a postcard from my asshole brother.

So, apparently, while I've been struggling, Fartface McGeniusbreath has been doing great! He'd gotten contracts from the U.S. motherfucking government to design weapons after the debacle in high school and he got a HUGE God-damned grant to develop teleportation in some hick fucking town in bumfuck Oregon. Now, shithead got himself married sometime but he ditched his wife and four-year old daughter back in Michigan to move to this little dump in Oregon 'cause it's full of weird shit. He likes weird shit. He also doesn't like being married much and his daughter kinda freaks him out. So, anyway, he writes me because he got the BRILLIANT fuckin' idea to blow off teleportation and go directly to pan-dimensional portals. So he makes it and goes to another dimension and whattaya know? Asswipe finds himself face to face with some kind of Lovecraftian Eldritch Abomination shaped like the one-eyed pyramid on the back of dollar bills. Being a wimp, he freaks out and decides he needs to hide the motherfucking journals he wrote about the weird shit and coincidentally, the instructions on how he built his portal gun. He wants me to take the last one of three and stash it on the moon or some shit because he remembers the God-damned spaceship we almost finished. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled with Rickford blowing me off for fuckin' years, dragging me up to nowhere only to tell me to get the fuck away again, and not even offering a piece of the action. So we get into a fight, the God-damned portal gun goes off and I accidentally push shithead through the portal. Fine, right? Problem solved! Except I feel all guilty and shit, like I've done something wrong. I don't know, unresolved family issues, narrative fucking imperative, like I've got certain story beats I need to hit, I don't know what! But I try to get the motherfucker back! But, here's the thing. The portal gun needs some kind of fluid. It's out. I don't know how to make it, do YOU know how to make it? Of course you don't, you're a fuckin' idiot! It's not in the one book I have and I don't know where my stupid brother and his stupid hair put them. But Bumfuck Oregon isn't a bad place to be. Hardly anyone is trying to kill me, the locals are all dumb as posts and easy to fleece, and I kinda like weird shit too. 

So I settle into a groove, trying to figure out how to make portal fluid, I'll tell you one thing, vodka don't work! Hey, that reminds me, I could use a drink! (Slurp). Want some? Your loss. I open up this place, a museum of weird shit, not the real weird shit, I'm not an idiot, fake weird shit. I make a living selling cheap plastic Korean shit at a 100,000% mark-up. Hey, wanna buy a snow-globe? Only $200! No? It'll drive your friends crazy, tryin' to figure out why anyone would spend $200 on a nickel's worth of plastic and some tap water. Suit yourself. So, I spend years here, thirty fuckin' years. If I'm in a story it's one about how you can get satisfaction chasing a goal and the bucolic simple pleasures of small town life. Don't believe it for a minute! People are horrible selfish monsters and in a small town everyone knows everyone and are all up in one another's business. 

But, this year everything changes. My niece Bethany calls me up. Remember her? Shitstain's daughter? She asks if she and her no-good, waste of space, idiot husband Jerry can send her fourteen year old twins up here for the summer. Maybe she's having some kind of crisis with her seventeen year old daughter, Autumn, I think her name is. Maybe she's sick of dealing with fourteen year olds hormones. Maybe she's finally going to shoot Jerry and doesn't want the kids around. I don't know! So, I'm bored and agree to it. So, suddenly I'm stuck with two fourteen year olds, a boy and a girl, Dipper and Mortbel. I know, right? Stupid fuckin' name! It gets worse, Dipper's real name is Morty! Right. Like some old Jewish comedy writer. I blame Jerry. They're not bad kids, Dipper's about half bright, Mortbel is fuckin' adorable but a bit of a slut. No, seriously, she comes onto anything in pants. So I send Dipper out to hang some signs, my cashier's too lazy to do it and my handyman's too stupid. I hired Jesus 'cause I'm a Sánchez, viva la raza, right? Gotta look out for your own. So the kid comes back with one of the motherfucking books I've been looking for for thirty years! I sneak a look at it that night, it's got about half of what I need. 

Now it this point, Mortbel's started dating some emo looking dweeb, about eighteen, nineteen I guess. Hey, if you don't want your fourteen year old daughter fucking older guys, don't send her off to live with her great-uncle! But it turns out Norman is a bunch of gnomes stacked on top of each other. I TOLD you that the town is full of weird shit! So, she's about to get raped, tied down, skirt up, panties down when Dipper comes riding to the rescue in my fuckin' golf cart. He's convinced himself that Norman's a zombie. Good thing, too! He saved his sister from pulling the gnome train! The two of them escape and eventually get rid of the gnomes with a God-damned leaf blower. Pretty sure Dipper killed a few of 'em. Hey, they were trying to rape his sister! I'd of burned the gnome groves to the ground. 

So I try to bond with the kids. We try counterfeiting but Mortbel has to add her own artistic touches. That gets us a weekend in jail. Or it would've but, you know, locks. I try takin' 'em fishing, but they decide to go off on a monster hunt. The legendary Gobblewonker. I don't know, Nez Pierce or Modoc or some shit! Do I LOOK like a cultural anthropologist? Turns out there was one, but it was a robotic submersible built by one of the local nutjobs, McGuffin or McNulty or something. Stories are old though. Go back to the Nez Pierce or Modoc or whatever. Far as I know, there might BE one. 

Jesus runs across my old wax museum, Mortbel makes a wax replica of me, I reopen the wax museum, turns out that the figures are cursed and come to life and the kids have to take them out. I got the wax head of some kind of fuckin' goblin man banging around in the vents. 

The little shits find out about my arch-nemesis Gideon, a twelve year old fake psychic. He does a decent cold read, the impressive part is him improvising songs on the spot. He and Mortbel are both into clothes and shiny shit. I don't know why she's so into clothes since all she ever wears is an old yellow T-shirt as a dress. No, really, she bends over, pow, full moon. That may be why the little bitch keeps practically getting raped. You got it, Gideon trys to have his way with her, she knees him in the nuts, Dipper goes to have a discussion with the little weasel about the inadvisibility of fucking his sister against her will, the little shit trys to kill him with lamb shears, turns out that the little fuck had some sort of magical amulet, Mortbel and Dipper get it away from him and Mortbel keeps him and Dipper from going splat on the rocks. Personally, I'd have let him crash. 

Dipper, caught in the throes of teenage hormones, falls for my shiftless cashier. She's the same age as his older sister back home, they're both redheads, I try not to think about it. I also try not to think about what two fourteen year olds might be getting up to in the bedroom they share up in the attic. They are WAY too close for siblings, always hugging, holding hands and shit. So, Wendy, that's my cashier, lets Dipper and Mortbel tag along with her gang of teenage trouble makers and they break into the old Dusk to Dawn convenience store. Turns out the place is haunted by two old geezers who fuckin' HATE teenagers. So everybody's going to die, until it comes out that the dead motherfuckers used to be furries. Not the 'I like to dress like an animal' kind either. The other kind. So Dipper winds up in a lamb costume and gets buggered by Wendy dressed like a wolf. Mortbel demands a turn as the sacrificial lamb and the bitch fucks her too. All of 'em are WAY too into it but I don't wanna know. I just look the other way. 

So after getting fucked by his wannabe girlfriend, Dipper has some issues with his masculinity. Understandable, right? He winds up taking macho lessons from the manotaurs, half man, half bull freaks that live in the woods. They want him to kill the multibear, which is what you'd get if you kinda smooshed three bears together and added about four more bear heads. Dipper winds up bonding with the multibear over their shared love of Abba. Pretty sure they wound up singing the whole Mamma Mia soundtrack. Meanwhile, Mortbel is trying to hook me up with one of the waitresses down at Greasy's. I'm not really into it but somehow I can't say no to that little girl. Me and Susan go out later, but I explain that it was all for Mortbel. Susan understands and we stay cool. 

So I throw a party at the shack, to make some money, understand? Nothing at all to do with me and my missing fuckin' brother's birthday. Dipper wants another shot at Wendy, 'cause, y'know, he'd kinda like to top. But because he's an asshole he can't just ASK her. No, he's gotta come up with some involved, multistep plan. One of Wendy's no-good friends is this douchebag emo guitarist. One of the things my fuckin' brother made is a copier that can copy living things. I don't KNOW why, right? I mean, when you come right down to it, they're fuckin' paper. They dissolve if they get wet. He comes up with this bullshit plan that needs ten of the motherfuckers. All for naught. The only good conversation he had was when she was waiting to take a leak. I bet if he asked nice he coulda watched. That girl's a stone freak! Oh, and Mortbel kinda got into a contest with the resident rich bitch. Who could party heartier or some such bullshit. I did what I could but the little cunt bribed McGunkin or whatever to tip things in her favor. 

We're in town one day and fuck it, it's pioneer day. You know, one of those deals where people pretend to be from a hundred and fifty years ago or some shit. Makes me fuckin' crazy! So tryin' to get the fuck out of Dodge I wind up getting myself thrown in the stocks. I know, locks, but you gotta be able to REACH the lock don'tcha? I dunno, the kids wound up in some deal with Pacifica, little miss rich bitch. Something to do with her great-great-whatever not founding the town. I don't know and I don't give a fuck. 

So, one weekend I throw a fair. To make money, right? The cheapest fair money can rent. I spared every expense. Dipper, still trying to impress Wendy, tries to win her a stuffed animal. He fucks up and hits her in the eye with a baseball. Robbie, the douchebag guitarist swoops in with a fuckin' sno-cone and sticks it in her eye. What a fuckin' hero! She decides she'll start dating him, but a blind man can see she's not into it. One of the vendors, a farmer named Sprott or Scott or some bullshit is running a guess the critter's weight, take the critter home stand. This genius asks my great-niece if she wants to take a guess at old fifteen poundy's weight. Surprise, surprise, she gets it right and wins a fucking pig. Somehow, the kids run into a time traveler and hijack his time machine and Dipper keeps trying to not hit Wendy in the eye. Nothing works until he gets Mortbel to help him. He wins the God-damned stuffed animal, Wendy doesn't start dating the douchebag, but Mortbel doesn't get the pig. I guess I'm not the only one who can't say no to that little girl because Dipper undoes everything and she gets the fuckin' pig back. The whole thing's ridiculous, but what do you expect from time travel? Oh, and some motherfuckers from the future break my rigged dunk tank and I end up getting soaked. 

I make a decent profit from the fair, so I give my asshole staff a couple of days off. Jesus takes Dipper and Wendy to the local fuckin' arcade. Dipper introduces her to one of his favorite games. Douchebag guitarist shows up and fucks things up. Being a douchebag, he doesn't listen to her say she's going camping with her family and shows up here to 'serenade' her the next day. Hey, I gave 'em a few days off. Dipper goes out to tell Robbie he's an asshole and douchebag wants to fight. Dipper freaks, forgetting that he managed to take down a motherfucking monster bear not long ago. Kid's really fucking insecure. I blame Jerry. So Dipper and Jesus go back to the arcade so he can lay low until shit blows over. Dipper somehow manages to bring a character from his favorite game to life and sets him on douchebag guitarist. Problem solved, right? No, nothing's that simple. Dipper decides he doesn't want to actually kill douchebag guitarist and gets between him and the killing machine. Same reason I feel bad about my asshole brother, I guess. So Dipper gets the living shit kicked out of him, but once he's nearly dead, videogame guy disappears. Game over! Douchebag guitarist doesn't have the heart to fight a kid who's almost dead and just saved his life. Mortbel gets it into her head that I have a fear of heights. I play along, I really just can't say no to that little girl. She drags me up to the water tower and we nearly get killed by videogame guy while he's trying to kill douchebag guitarist. So, I wind up having to cure Mortbel's new fear of heights and clone Dipper a new head. Videogame guy busted every bone in his face. Hey, anything for family, right? 

So, turns out Mortbel's like a millimeter taller than Dipper. He gets all bent out of shape because, face it, the kid's an insecure wreck. Probably didn't help that me and Mortbel razzed him about it unmercifully. So, Dipshit goes out in the woods to find size altering crystals, hooks one of 'em up to a flashlight and makes a beam that can shrink and grow things. I'm almost proud of the kid, that's the same kind of shit that me or his grandfather, my asshole brother would come up with. Now, my arch-nemesis Gideon is trying to get me out of the shack. He wants it for some reason, I don't know why. He trys some bullshit with termites, it doesn't work because he's a fuckin' idiot, but he gets his hands on the motherfucking ray that Dipper's come up with. He shrinks the kids, and tries to blackmail me into turning over the shack. It doesn't work 'cause I don't believe him, how's a chubby little twelve year old goin' to kidnap two fourteen year olds who hate his guts? I mean, Dipper's beat mutant bears and videogame guy and Mortbel's adorable, but the girl's strong as an ox! Little bitch high fived me once, nearly broke my hand. The kids get away because they're NOT fuckin' idiots, Gideon gets lost in the mirror maze I set up, he starts laughing uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth. I just kick him out the door. Oh, Gideon shrinks Jesus too, but the kids set him right. 

Summerween rolls around. Huh? What's that? The people of this town love Halloween so much, they celebrate it twice a year. And wouldn't you know it, it's come. The kids are conflicted, they're fourteen, kinda old for trick or treating, but, y'know, free candy. They decide to blow it off and go to some party one of Wendy's friends is having. Not S&P approved. Them and a couple of Mortbel's buddies, two girls named Candy and Grendel, I think, she met 'em at the party where Dipper didn't get together with Wendy, are looking forward to it but, wouldn't you know, they manage to piss off the Summerween Trickster. He says they have to trick or treat or die. He wants five-hundred pieces of candy or he'll eat them. So they're trick or treating, damn near have the candy, but Dipper runs into Wendy and douchebag guitarist and doesn't want them thinking that he's trick or treating so he stashes the candy behind a bush. Only there's a gully behind the bush and the candy all gets washed away. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying myself scaring the piss out of trick or treaters. Except a couple of punk-ass kids won't scare. I can do amazing shit with make-up, doesn't faze 'em. So I open up a meeseeks box and tell the meeseeks to scare 'em. The meeseeks swallows them whole, needless to say this scares the fuck out of them, so the meeseeks disappears. The little punks run off crying and I confiscate their candy. The Summerween Trickster turns back up, chases the kids around for a while and eats Jesus. Turns out that he's made out of loser candy nobody wants, but Jesus eats his way out and the fact that somebody ate him and seemed to like it satisfies him. The kids go to the party, Mortbel gets spit-roasted by two guys named Lee and Nate, Dipper completely fails to score with Wendy, everybody gets riggidy-riggidy-wrecked, son and as far as I know, Candy and Grantham do each other. 

Mortbel takes issue with the way I run the shack so we make a bet over whether she can make more money running it her way than I can on vacation. She lets Jesus live out his dream of being a mascot for the shack which is fuckin' stupid because he doesn't have the improv skills and his costume is a little bit skimpy. Poor dumb fuck gets himself pepper sprayed for his trouble. Wendy walks all over Mortbel and gets a day off WITH PAY! Dipper convinces her to let him bring in a real paranormal creature in as an exhibit. There's a reason I go with fake weird shit and not real weird shit and they find out soon enough when Dipper's real weird shit hospitalizes two customers and nearly tears the shack down. She finally figures out that the only way to get past Jesus' stupidity and Wendy's laziness is to be a real hard-ass. I go on the show "Cash Wheel" and make myself three-hundred k, but lose it all on the final word. Please. Seriously, the final word is please! Who the fuck says that? The little turds clear one fucking dollar, but it's enough to win. So Mortbel makes me do some lame-ass song and dance and the motherfucking goat eats my fez. Oh, and we fall into the bottomless pit the next day and tell stories to pass the time.

It's the hottest week of the summer so we go to the public pool. Turns out Wendy has a part-time job there as a lifeguard so Dipper decides he'll be one too. Can't say I blame him, bitch looks fine in a red one piece. Hey, Dipper's not the only one with a thing for redheads. Mortbel gets hung up on this long-haired pretty boy who turns out to be a merman. She doesn't think it through, fish-boy has no dick. He's not a shark. They have two, y'know? So Mortbel smuggles fish-boy out in stolen pool equipment, costing Dipper his job. Except it doesn't matter because Wendy gets fired for stealing too many snacks. I get into this whole pissing contest with Gideon over a deck chair. Wind up getting thrown in pool jail and the little fuck glues me to the chair. Fucker. 

Mortbel keeps having Candy and Gingham over for sleepovers and it's getting on Dipper's nerves. Jesus finds my asshole brother's old room where I hid it behind a bookcase. Dipper and Mortbel both decide they want the new room. I have some fun playing them off of one another and getting some work done. Lawns mowed, roof reshingled, that kind of thing. Turns out, one of my shithead brother's old toys is in that room. A carpet that lets you switch bodies. So Dipper and Mortbel swap, Jesus and the fuckin' pig swap, I don't notice the difference, frankly, then there's this whole clusterfuck involving Dipper, Mortbel, Candy, Granger, Jesus, the fuckin' pig, old man McGargle, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland. I don't notice because I'm too bummed thinking about Rickford. Dipper winds up getting the room because he's Mortbel at the time. I can't say no to that little girl even when she's a boy. They make it halfway through ONE night and move back in together. I tell you, I don't want to think about it. 

Mortbel, Candy and Grendel want to go see this totally lame boy band called Sev'ral Timez. Dipper and Wendy make fun of 'em, saying that boy bands are grown from pods or are clones or some shit. Little do they know that the band's producer is an old client of mine and the band really are clones. Hey, maybe I haven't made it clear, I'm a motherfucking genius too, just not in the same league as my asshole brother. But clones are a specialty of mine, I sold Bratsman, the producer a version of my Project Phoenix, which was an attempt to live forever. But who wants to live forever, y'know? Mortbel, Candy and Gingham all find out. They smuggle the fuckin' band out and try to keep them hidden. Bratsman gets his ass arrested for driving without a license or something, but Mortbel wants to keep the boys as pets. Now, this is racist or birthist or somethingist because God damnit, clones are human! They're no different than identical twins and as an identical twin myself I resent the implication that I'm less than human. Oh, and me and Dipper figure out that douchebag guitarist has been using backwards masking on Wendy and this, plus the fact that she's come to the conclusion independently that douchebag guitarist IS, in fact, a douchebag, gets her to break up with him. 

A God-damned pterosaur snatches the fuckin' pig. We get it back.

I catch Gideon tryin' to break into my safe. The little fuck wants the deed to the shack, he seems to think if he holds the deed, like, literally holds it in his hand, that gives him the right to the property. Not my place to explain property law or shit like that to the little fuck. I just chase him out of the shack with a broom. Jesus and Mortbel run across the little shit doing some sort of ritual in the woods, supposed to get a demon to steal the combination to my safe right the fuck out of my head. Bullshit, right? The kids and Jesus take it seriously, though and use a spell from my brother's fuckin' journal to invade my mind and stop the demon. They are IN MY FUCKING MIND! Dipper winds up with the idea I don't like him but finds out I'm just trying to toughen him up. When we were twelve our dad made us take shooting lessons. We had a bully named Benally and we took him out. Hey, in New Mexico in the '60s nobody who didn't speak Spanish or Dinétah gave a fuck if somebody named Sánchez offed somebody named Benally. Or if somebody named Benally snuffed somebody named Sánchez. Not white, didn't matter. Nobody off the rez gave a fuck. Gettin' off track again, sorry. No demon shows up, the twins and Jesus get out of my mind, no harm no foul, right? Except Gideon chooses right then to blow up the back room of the shack and my safe with dynamite. This is fuckin' wonderful! The cops come tearing in and arrest his stupid ass. They get me back my deed, they find out that Gideon has the missing journal and return it to me because it had my brother's name on it, since the little fuck was using high explosives on an occupied building, that's all they need to try the little fucker as an adult! He's in lock-up now, awaiting trial. No juvie for Gideon! Dipper decides on his own to finally show me the journal he found, so for the first time in thirty years I have all three journals and everything I need to figure out how to make portal fluid. I might actually get Rickford back if the asshole's still alive! Here we go! And that ends season one. 

So now that I have schematics and shit, I'm ready to make some assays. Turns out developing teleportation is relatively easy, I can walk from here to Paris or Alpha Centari VI. The thing is, once you develop teleportation, you find out you're the last guy to develop teleportation. Also, turns out it leaves a real distinctive energy signature and the feds notice. So we rebuild (again) and have a grand reopening (again) and the fuckin' feds come waltzing in with uncomfortable questions. Dipper doesn't give a fuck, he thinks they can help him investigate the weird shit. I convince them he's got an overactive imagination or borderline schizophrenia and a sweating problem. I confiscate the phone number they gave him and stash it in my room. Mortbel is going crazy nutso bonkers over the idea of karaoke at the party and wants me and Dipper to sing with her. I enjoy karaoke, I do a pretty good "Sweet Home Alabama" but I can't imagine a song that me, Abbaphile and little miss boy band can do together. I go and fart around with the portal gun, Dipper sneaks into my room to get the fuckin' phone number back while Wendy stands guard. Mortbel's taken charge of the party. It's pretty easy to get by Wendy, she gets distracted by one of her no good buddies texting her a picture of another of her no good buddies waving his shirt in the air. Some fat fuck wearing a motherfucking glow stick like he's at a God-damned rave or something. Should've seen his eyes, fucker was on enough X or Molly to turn on San Francisco. I'm too fuckin' late, Dipper's got hold of the feds. I ground his ass, like that's ever done anybody any good. But Dipwad sneaks out to meet the feds. 

Fortunately, Fartface McGeniusbreath's journals look like bullshit. Seriously, like the crap I display here in the museum. The feds decide they're wasting their time. Unfortunately, Dipper, to prove shit's real reads a spell from the book. That's right, my genius great-nephew reads some random ass spell from a book of fuckin' magic with no God-damned IDEA what the fuck it does. So the boy summons the undead. Yep, full-bore zombie apocalypse time. The undead drag off the feds, Dipper runs his sad ass back here, Mortbel tears him a new one, apparently he promised specifically not to raise the dead, Jesus gets his stupid ass bitten. Well not his ass, his shoulder. You know what I mean! Things are looking pretty dark for the Smith twins when, bam, it's Grunkle Stan to the rescue! I take out fifteen, twenty zombies, hustle the kids up to their attic room and we barricade ourselves in, waiting to die. But, Dipper has a blacklight from the party, and my asshole brother had gone paranoid and started writing shit down in invisible ink! Turns out that a three-part harmony explodes zombie's heads. Mortbel's beside herself, she gets her karaoke. We take out the motherfucking zombies, the sun comes up, it's a brand new day. Dipper sees that there's a cure for zombification, a fuckton of formaldehyde, a touch of cinnamon, a little myrrh and, believe it or not, neomycin sulfate, polymyxin B sulfate, and bacitracin zinc. Yeah, plain old Neosporin. They don't tell you THAT in the zombie movies! So we soon get Jesus back to his old, stupid self.

Dipper takes to carrying around a portable blacklight with him. I gave him back his journal, back before the whole fiasco with the feds, after I very carefully copied every page. Hey, Rickford's copy machine copies paper fine, it's just living things it gets weird. Cloning's way better, clones don't dissolve in the rain. So Dipper's watching shitty movies over at Wendy's, they have a whole MST3K thing going on, and nearly confesses his feelings for her. He decides not to tell her, he figures it'll turn her off. Kid might be right, as far as I can tell, she ghosts every guy she's ever dated into oblivion. She's currently ignoring all texts and calls from douchebag guitarist. Instead, he invites her to join him and Mortbel and Jesus in checking out the place where he found the God-damned book. Apparently there's some kind of underground instillation there. I'm busy supervising the rebuilding of the shack (again) from the zombie apocalypse. Turns out, while Wendy's a shitty cashier, she's GREAT at adventuring. She figures out how to get into the place, shimmies up a tree to do it, doesn't panic when a version of the old 'the walls are closing in' gag hits, realizes that the fucker they meet in there didn't write the journals (I could've told them, nobody asks me shit.) Twigs to the fact that he's a motherfucking shapeshifter and proceeds to fight said shapeshifter while it's pretending to be her. Before that though, Dipper thinks that the shapeshifter is her, hurt, maybe dead, and confesses his feelings. Wendy's standing right there and hears everything. Dipper axes the shapeshifter, the two of them shove it into a cryogenic tube and Mortbel freezes it. Afterwards, Dipper asks if she can just forget what he said. She tells him she always kinda knew because he's a stupid little shit and constantly mutters embarrassing shit under his breath. She says he's pretty cool, but she's too old for him. She'd never live it down, dating a fourteen year old, but they can be fuck-buddies the rest of the summer as long as they keep it on the down low. Also as long as she gets to fool around with Mortbel, too. Dipper's all butt-hurt at first but agrees. Mortbel's ecstatic, she's been wanting more since the convenience store.


	2. So Long, Stranger, It's Been Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Golf War through Not What He Seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is fucked up.

So, after fucking around in my asshole brother's apocalypse bunker the kids are kind of burned out for a while. Also, they found an old-school laptop computer in the place and Jesus is tryin' to fix it. Do they give it to ME, certified scientific genius? Fuck, no! To be fair, Jesus is a damn good handyman. You've heard how often the God-damned place gets torn apart, but the roof holds out the rain, mostly, the plumbing works and I've got a golf cart out back with tailfins and a nitrous booster. Beats the fuck out of me why anyone would WANT a golf cart that does 140 mph, but fuck me, I've got one. (Slurp) Sure you don't want a drink? So, Mortbel writes an article for the local newspaper, about fashion tips for squirrels. She's totally stoked, but, turns out, her shit gets bumped in favor of an article written by Pacifica, little miss rich bitch. Now, I can't imagine anybody wanting to read an article about fashion tips for squirrels, I don't blame Toby for making the switch, at least little miss rich bitch's thing is fashion tips for humans.(V-necks the look of the summer! Shock and disbelief!) Jesus, who believes everything he reads in the papers decides he's going to take it one step further, with the W-neck. Works about as well as you'd think, middle flap just flopping around, but, fuck, it makes him happy. (Slurp). You really don't want one? Fine. 

Mortbel's all bummed about getting bumped from the paper, she's drowning her sorrows with screwdrivers and this cheesey ad comes on the TV. Looking for a distraction from your horrible life? Why, yes she says. Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt! So we try to cheer her up by playing mini-golf. Turns out the little bitch is really good at it! I mean, we draw a crowd, she's that good! So, we're on eighteen, if she gets a hole-in-one she beats her best score ever. The shot lips around the hole and rolls into a puddle. We give her the gimme, she's feeling ok, she just tied her best score. The crowd is kinda down she didn't ace it and wanders off. But Pacifica, little miss rich bitch takes the wind out of her sails by getting her own hole-in-one. Little bitch calls us old, lame, fat and braces. Ok, I'm seventy. I'm old. Dipper IS kinda lame, Jesus ain't thin and Mortbel does have braces. But, time and place, bitch! She stalks off and Mortbel calls her a WALKING ONE-DIMENSIONAL BLEACHED BLONDE VALLEY GIRL STEREOTYPE! The girls get up in each other's grills, the sky clouds over and the pimply faced little shit that manages the place says it's closed due to weather. They agree to have a golf off at midnight. Means I have to break into the place that night, but I can't say no to that little girl. I give her a sticker that says U Da Best and send 'em on their way. Probably a mistake, they tell me the sticker almost gets them their asses killed. They get into some kind of foofaraw with little golf ball people who agree to help them beat little miss rich bitch in exchange for the sticker. I don't know, the little fucks are having some kind of golf war or something. So the golf ball people decide to kill Pacifica, Mortbel thinks that's going too far, she eats the sticker, kid'll eat anything, the golf ball people decide to cut her open to get the sticker, shit happens and the kids barely make it out alive. I wind up having to ferry little miss rich bitch home and Mortbel gives her a taco. They DO have good tacos over at Hermanos Brothers. Wouldn't think a joint called brother's brothers would, but there ya go. Oh, and little miss rich bitch compliments Jesus on his W-neck. Redemption! After all, she wrote the book. Article, anyway. 

Jesus gets the laptop up and running and the kids take it to the library to fuck with it. Mortbel meets this Nazi-looking prick who's giving some sort of puppet show there. You know, for the kids and shit. He teaches valuable lessons like read. Or don't stick your fingers in other people's mouths. Useful shit like that. But he's got blonde hair and blue eyes and a fuckin' pony tail so Mortbel's wet. Why looking like something from a Hitler youth poster turns the girls on, I don't know. But it does. Besides, Mortbel's kind of into puppets herself. She still has this God-awful thing from her childhood she calls Bear-o, it's fucking terrifying. She put on a show with him at the shack one day and scared all the kids out. So she strikes up a conversation with Adolf, master of puppets and bullshits him that she's working on a puppet show. Bitch has no idea how to lie so now, because she gave Lothar, puppet boy too many details, she's got to have a puppet show ready to go by the end of the week. Dipper's run into a roadblock with the laptop because, surprise, surprise, it requires a password. He tries 'Password' because, well, you have to, don't you? So many people are THAT fuckin' stupid. Mortbel drags him off to get his help with the puppet show she suddenly has to put on. Him and Jesus and Wendy all get drafted into this God-damned puppet show, making sock puppets, making paper bag puppets, writing a script, writing songs, composing background music and setting up a motherfucking pyrotechnics show. I don't wanna know. Dipper stays awake nights trying passwords for the laptop. Candy and Grainger get sucked in the general puppet madness, Candy decides she wants some of Heinrich too and Grabass just tries to get him to take his shirt off. Himmler makes some off-hand comment about stitching and Mortbel goes into full-blown panic mode. Declares the sock emergency a code argyle. Completely blows Dipper and the laptop off. Dipper, exhausted from lack of sleep and pissed at his sister, smashes the motherfucking laptop in a fit of rage. Then it's time to pack everybody up and have this disaster. To my surprise it's actually good, Mortbel somehow managed to book the theatre in town, everything's going well, the songs work, the jokes hit, she hasn't shoehorned Bear-o in anywhere and apparently Mortbel wants ME to give her away at her wedding, I'm touched. Granted, anybody would be better than Jerry, but still. Then Dipper, exhausted from lack of sleep, falls asleep and accidentally sets off the pyrotechnics early. The puppets catch fire, you should have seen Von Ribbentrop's face, several rockets go into the crowd. Mortbel tries to play it off as planned but the crowd stomps out unamused. Eichmann says that Mortbel's made a mockery of his art form and storms off, making out with his puppets as he goes. Mortbel decides she dodged a bullet, but Candy doesn't take the hint. I'm pretty sure that Göring fisted her later. Hey, he's a puppeteer, he LIKES putting his hands up stuff. Mortbel says she's a little bummed she didn't get to ride in his Italian dessert pastry. I don't get it.

Mortbel manages to get her braces caught in the screen door and Jesus gets her out. This starts the kids wondering what Jesus' life is like. Me and Wendy don't give a shit, but the kids are curious. So, turns out Jesus' cousin is getting married and Jesus' grandmother wants him to get a date for the engagement party. I don't know how well you know Hispanic culture, family is very important, but you can't just let your cousin get one up on you like that. You just can't! So Jesus is tryin' to get a date and he sucks at it. I give him some advice. He needs to get rich or pretend to be rich. Wendy tells him I'm an asshole, he's a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck. Will SHE date him? Fuck, no! Mortbel gets involved and drags Dipper and Jesus off to the mall so he can accost women there. It goes about as well as you would expect. He sees his cousin, freaks and hides out in Beebly Boops electronics. There they find an old, used Japanese dating sim. They figure what the fuck, some practice couldn't hurt and Jesus is good at video games. Jesus misses work for the first time ever the next day, they go to see what's going on, he's been playing the fuckin' sim for, like, twenty hours straight. The kids drag the poor fuck back to the mall, and he hits it off with the chubby girl from the meat stand. They agree to go to Hoo-ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree after her shift. Now, I'd just discovered Hoo-ha's the day before, I had to get rid of one of my attractions, Old Goldie because it was scaring kids off and tried to gnaw through my arm. So I'm in the market for something new. And Hoo-ha's has the perfect thing! This animatronic badger sings, it dances. It's the perfect money taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me! So I go to steal it. But the motherfucker comes to life and starts fighting me in the alley. I duck under a punch and it gets it's fist caught in Old Goldie's mouth. Goldie nearly chews it's hand off and it drops dead. Now, I didn't know it at the time but Jesus' dating sim was an accidental artificial intelligence. In the form of a pink-haired anime yandare. While I was fighting the animatronic badger, Jesus, the kids and Jesus' date were all fighting the animatronics in the restaurant. Found out later. AFTER Goldie and I hit Vegas, got caught counting cards and got married. 

So, one night some guy's car breaks down and he knocks on the door after hours. A lot like you did tonight. I make up some bullshit stories to try and sell him shit. No, no, the stories I'm telling you are all true! Although, come to think of it, you wouldn't be interested in a disembodied hand would ya? Maybe some old VHS tapes? I got the whole Loinclothecles collection. How about the fuckin' pig? No, maybe I should hold on to the pig in case Mortbel ever comes back. I'm getting there, alright?! Just sayin', the last guy who didn't buy shit spent a week in that box as The Cheapskate. No, don't worry. I wouldn't do that to YOU! I got a sad story to finish. 

Mortbel gets a bottle message from fish-boy, remember him? Seems he's getting an arranged marriage to the queen of the manatees. Mortbel thinks she's beautiful. She thinks every woman's beautiful. She thinks Gobstop is beautiful. Hey, Goddamn is a nice kid, but she's two-hundred pounds if she's an ounce and sounds like a professional wrestler. So, Mortbel's bummed because she wanted an epic summer romance and wound up with a bunch of gnomes, who tried to rape her, a psycho psychic, who tried to rape her, a furrie dildoing from my lazy cashier, a one-night stand with two of the cashier's buddies, some harmonizing clones that she mind-fucked, Hermann, who kisses puppets and now fish-boy who has no dick and is getting married. The only things that worked out were lesbian shit. Wendy, Candy and Gompers (the girl, not the fuckin' goat) and whatever she's got going on with her brother. I've noticed her and Dipper and Wendy sneaking off into the woods since the bunker thing. Dipper's bummed because he's no closer to figuring out who wrote the journals, why the town is full of weird shit or who stole the capers. In the book he's reading, duh! The best lead he had was the fuckin' laptop and he destroyed that in a fit of pique. Mortbel notices something looking through the bottle and makes Dipper do it. There's a sticker or a plaque or something in the remains of the laptop. So small that to read it you need a magnifying glass or to be looking through the bottom of a filthy green bottle. Says McGonagall labs. Right, old man McGumption. Dipper and Mortbel grab Wendy and Jesus, leaving me running the shack by myself! Thanks a lot, kids! They run off to the dump to find Mortbel's one-time tag-team sex partners getting chased off by McGrimace after spray-painting McSuckit on his tin shanty. Dipper confronts McGlimmer about being the author. McGlorbal says he doesn't remember. Everything before 1982 is gone and everything after is pretty fuckin' hazy. The furthest back he can remember is being found, dazed, at the museum. So they're off to the museum. Wendy chucks a CD out of the truck because she's sick of Jesus playing the song. 

They break into the museum, hey, I've taught both of the kids about locks, and wind up following somebody else who was sneaking around the museum. He disappears and McGoulash thinks that all the eyes in the room are looking at him. Dipper pushes him aside and finds a hidden switch. The eye in the pyramid. This opens up a secret fuckin' passage and they find a bunch of creeps in robes hassling Lazy Susan. The broad Mortbel tried to hook me up with. She had a run-in with the gnomes. They tried to steal her pie. No, they didn't try to STEAL her PIE, they just stole her pie. A pie pie. Apple, I think. The robe guys all have the same insignia on their hoods. A crossed out eye. You might've seen it graffitied around town. Shit, between Frick and Frack vandalizing old people's shit, douchebag guitarist spray-painting weiners castle at the mini-golf place, muffin explosions everywhere else and these motherfuckers we've got a graffiti problem in this town. So anyway, the robe creeps pull out some kind of motherfucking ray gun and shoot Susan with it. Wipes her memory of the gnomes. Hey, you ever see "Men in Black II"? Joyless cash grab! The robe guys adjourn and go back to doing whatever it is they do when they aren't being memory stealing creeps. Dipper, Jesus and McGrommet go off to find wherever the memories go. Mortbel asks Wendy what's wrong with her, why do none of her relationships work out. Poor little bitch doesn't know yet that NOBODY'S relationships work out. Wendy tells her not to give a shit and forget about guys. This gives Mortbel the bright idea to use the fuckin' ray on herself and do just that! Dipper, Jesus and McGusset trace a pneumatic tube to where the memories are stashed. They find McGearshift's memories but it sets off an alarm. Everybody runs off but McGravity gets separated. Everybody else gets captured by the robe creeps. They're about to get their memories of the summer wiped but McGlauphlin comes to the rescue. There's a fight, an exciting chase, Dipper nearly gets his mind wiped but McGeffin gets between him and the ray. The ray has no effect on McGlaren, his fuckin' mind is a shambles anyway. So they turn the tables on the robe creeps and make THEM forget all of the Society of the Blind Eye shit they've been pulling. (Slurp) You REALLY don't want a drink? The leader had his identity so wrapped up in the bullshit that he forgets who he is. Mortbel tells him that he's Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle, banjo minstrel. Turns out McGlouster founded all of this bullshit. He used to work with the author, my asshole brother, but saw something so horrible he wanted to forget. So everybody watches McGucket's slow descent into madness at his own hand. He goes from capable engineer and scientist to the gibbering, fucked-up nutjob he is today. Ok, I get it, the town's full of weird shit that nobody wants to know about. He was performing a service! Still, it's pretty fucked-up. 

Mortbel's trying to get some Yumber Jack's® brand candied jerky from the vending machine. That never works, Yumber Jack's always gets snagged on the spirally, spinny dealie. Jesus teaches her how to break into the machine and treats the kids to a candy blizzard! Jesus then proceeds to start paying for the candy he's just stolen. Wendy's right, he IS a sweet guy. With a pickup truck. I call him away and he leaves behind his wallet. Mortbel, being a complete sociopath with no regard for other people's privacy or property, decides she wants to learn some Soos secrets. That's what the kids call him, Soos. Stupid, right? I guess Jesus can be a BIT much to live up to, but still. Soos? They find out he has a membership to laser tag, that he keeps emergency salami and that he's twenty-four years old. That day. It's his fuckin' birthday. Instead of stopping to think about the fact that he's never mentioned it and clearly nobody is planning Jack Shit about it, they decide to throw him a birthday party. Surprise! Jesus hates it. He hates his birthday. Surprise! I coulda told them, but like I said, nobody asks me shit. I even tried to get the day removed from calendars. Now I can't fly commercial. They try to cheer him up by taking him out to laser tag but get their stupid asses kidnapped by the time travel guy from when Mortbel got the fuckin' pig and Dipper kept beaning Wendy with a baseball. He's carrying a grudge for some reason. The kids escape but wind up ten years in the past. They fuck up the time machine and head to the shack for tools. On the way they run into a seven year old Wendy and her friend Tambry. The one who had the Summerween party. Tambry tells Dipper that Wendy thinks he's cute. Wendy pushes Tambry off her bike. He thinks it's cute but kinda weird since she's so young. Mortbel tells him now he knows how she feels, creep. Neither of them mentions the three-ways in the woods. They get to the shack and run into a young Jesus who didn't get his Yumber Jack's. Mortbel teaches him how to break into the machine before she realizes it's Jesus. So now we've got a bootstrap paradox on top of everything else. God, I fuckin' hate time travel bullshit. They follow him home and find out that he hates his birthday because it's the day he figured out that his deadbeat dad was never coming home. But time travel guy had challenged them to some kind of contest where the winner gets something called a time wish. Any impossible problem solved! So the kids figure it's the only way to help Jesus and turn themselves in. They win of course, 'cause there's two of them and time travel guy is as dumb as a box of rocks. So they give Jesus the time wish but instead of using it to see his dad he fixes up all the injuries they got winning the God-damned thing for him. He figures his dad's an asshole and fuck him. He also gets himself infinite pizza. Time travel guy approves. It turns out I MET Jesus when his fourteen year old self returned a screwdriver that the kids dropped in the past. So we've got ANOTHER motherfucking bootstrap paradox! Incidentally, Jesus looks at me like a father figure. Now, you've been talking to me about an hour, right? Can you imagine how much of an asshole your dad would have to be to find ME a reasonable father figure? Scary shit, huh? 

So the kids are hanging out at the cemetery with Wendy and her no-good friends. Because, teenagers, right? They start hearing eerie moaning from an open grave. Turns out it's douchebag guitarist. He's still bummed 'cause Wendy dumped him. This ruins shit, the cemetery used to be fun! Everybody leaves douchebag guitarist to wallow in his own misery. Except Mortbel. She feels SORRY for the dumb fuck! Ok, Mortbel thinks that douchebag guitarist needs to find a new girl. Guy. Sheep, maybe. I can totally see douchebag guitarist molesting farm animals! Hey. That's kind of a funny image, actually. Imagine the sheep's face! Oh, and it's time for the Woodstick festival featuring Oregon's up and coming indie bands. Scarves Indoors are awesome, Wood Grain on Everything is pretty good, the Love God's ok, have you seen the viral video of him faceplanting into the audience? Hilarious! The Handlebar Brothers suck, though. Seriously. I think you could take a thousand kids, strap them naked to some kind of dome and stab them in the kidneys every ten seconds and it would sound better than the fuckin' Handlebar Brothers! So, Mortbel tries to get douchebag guitarist hooked up with Tambry while everyone else gets ready to go to the festival. Doesn't work though. Robbie's an asshole and Tambry can't be troubled to look away from her phone. But then Love God wanders in. Turns out he's an actual love god. You know, little wings, bows and arrows, cute fat fuckin' face? Cherubic, that's the word I'm lookin' for. Mortbel steals a love potion to use on the two stupid fucks. That's right, my fuckin' grand-niece, roofieing her friends. This fucks everything up, one of the two assholes who tag-teamed Mortbel has the hots for Tambry, his buddy gets pissed he didn't tell him, Wendy gets all bent out of shape over Tambry dating her ex. Personally, I think Wendy and Tambry have had a thing going on for awhile and she's pissed about maybe losing her girlfriend. But what the fuck do I know? 

Meanwhile, I've been trying to think of a way to get money off of these free-loading, kale-munching freak shows. Apparently, they like hot air balloons, so me and Jesus make one. It turns to shit, maybe using kerosene as a lubricant was a bad idea. So this flaming effigy of my fucking head goes floating across the festival, waving a banner that says "I Eat Kids". It was supposed to be I heart kids but some letters fell off. Dipper and Mortbel steal some antilove from the Love God but he catches them. The poor little bitch gets hit with another reminder of her failed summer romances. You know, a bunch of gnomes, who tried to rape her, a psycho psychic, who tried to rape her, a furrie dildoing from my lazy cashier, a one-night stand with two of the cashier's buddies, some harmonizing clones that she mind-fucked, Hermann, who kisses puppets and fish-boy who has no dick and is getting married. Yeah, them. And some other shit that she never told me about. She gives the Love God back the antilove potion but it's okay. Douchebag guitarist and phone girl are kinda perfect for each other in a gross kinda way. Everybody else bonds back over Thompson getting his ass caught trying to sneak in snacks by security and getting his ass whupped. I think the kid does it on purpose. Oh, and my balloon went down in flames and might've killed some woman and her kid. 

Last night Little Miss rich bitch's parents are holding a soirée. That's rich person for party, except with pissy liquor and tiny snacks. But they have some sort of paranormal activity going on. Since the Blind Eye creeps aren't doing their thing anymore, Dipper is getting known for this sort of shit. In the newspaper and everything. Really, just a couple of days ago the front page was him saving the sheriff from a vampire bat. They have a ghost, Dipper fixes shit. I don't really know, I was busy last night stealing radioactive waste. It's one of the ingredients to portal fluid. 

So, now we get to the sad shit. Like I said, I spent last night stealing radioactive waste. Today the kids get up early, we have some fun with fireworks and water balloons and everything turns to shit. The federal agents we thought got eaten by zombies turn up with a motherfucking SWAT team. They haul my ass off and take the kids into custody. The kids break away but find out I've got a shitload of fake ID's. They find the motherfucking portal gun. Dipper finds the other two journals. He freaks. They SAY the portal gun's dangerous. I manage to get away and stop them before they destroy it. Mortbel has it. Dipper's yelling at her to destroy it, I'm begging her to use it. With tears in her eyes she says, I trust you, Grunkle Stan and opens a portal. My asshole brother comes through, pissed, dressed in a motherfucking stupid white uniform with his stupid hair, yelling something about interfering with Council business. I shout Brother! He says Stanrick? He starts laughing. Turns out I wasted thirty years, he wasn't trapped, he could've come home anytime he wanted. He just didn't want to. He looks at Dipper and Mortbel. He calls them Morty and Morticia and says he has his own Morty but Morties and Morticias are worth a lot on the black market. He pulls out a portal gun of his own, grabs the kids and leaves. So there it is. He didn't need me, didn't want me doesn't give a fuck about the kids but he took them. Him and his stupid fuckin' hair just took them. Beth is going to kill me. Unless I do it first. So, goodbye, stranger. It's been nice. Hope you find your paradise. Hope you see my point of view, none of my dreams have come true. Go on! Get out of here! I've got to fuckin' kill myself!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. This is Gravity Falls so there's a happy ending! It's also Rick and Morty so, mnh? Style change next chapter. We go from first person stream-of-consciousness to third person omniscient narrator.


	3. A Happy? Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thrilling conclusion to The Adventures of Stanrick Sánchez and Dipper and Mortbel Smith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How Stanrick got the kids back.

Stanrick Sánchez is running through the woods. Hopefully, the taxi dodge will keep his pursuers off his back. With any luck, it also cleared any feds from the shack. Perfect! No cops! The day might not be a total disaster. Unless the feds found the portal gun. I don't want to think about the government having that kind of power. Stan thought. He bursts through the door of the Shack and runs into his office. Dipper and Mortbel are already there, Mortbel has the portal gun in her hand. Dipper is looking at the journals, all three of them, with his portable blacklight in his hand. 

"Mortbel, you have to destroy it! It says here it'll open up a portal to another dimension and let in an unimaginable horror that will destroy the world!" Dipper was saying. 

"NOOO!!" Stan shouted. 

"Grunkle Stan?" Mortbel said. 

"Or is he?" Dipper asserted. "Mortbel, you saw the fake ID's. You saw the newspaper article. 'Stanrick Sánchez dead'! Does mom even KNOW him?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake! I was there when you guys were born! Dipper, you nearly strangled on your umbilical cord! Mortbel, you punched the doctor in the face! I wouldn't let Jerry hold you! Kids, Beth knows me! Better than her own dad!"

"Grandpa Rick walked out on her and grandma Diane when she was four years old." 

"Yeah, he did. To come here. To study weirdness and invent teleportation." Stanrick said. 

"What do you know about it?" Dipper asked.

"A lot. Everything really. Kids, the reason your grandfather disappeared is because I kinda pushed him through a portal. I've been trying ever since to get him back! The nuclear waste? Yeah, I stole it. I needed it to get the gun working again." 

"Mortbel, what if he's lying? It could allow in something horrible! It could destroy the world!"

"It might. I'm not going to say it won't. But it might not. It's keyed to my brother Rickford. It'll open up wherever he is. If he's dead it won't do Jack Shit. If he's alive I'm betting he's not still in some Lovecraftian bullshit. Kids, your grandfather is SMART! PLEASE, MORTBEL! Bring back my brother! Ugh, still burns."

Mortbel stood, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Grunkle Stan?...... I trust you." She said. She lifted the gun and pulled the trigger.

"MORTBEL!! YOU'RE GOING TO-" Dipper screamed. A portal opened, just hanging in the air. A shimmering mix of greens and whites, spinning, spiraling, almost hypnotic. A figure stepped through, dressed in a long white robe with yellow piping, a flaring shoulder thing that made him look like a cross between Michael Jackson in the Thriller video and Ming the Merciless. The Ming look was compounded by a golden flaring collar. He had on plain brown pants underneath. He had three tufts of blue hair on the top and sides of his head. He had a Pharaonic beard. Mortbel thought it all looked stylish. Stanrick and Dipper thought he looked like a tool. 

"Who-who's that?" Dipper asked in wonder. 

"The author of the journals. My brother."

The portal flashed out of existence behind him. 

"Right! What asshole Rick opened up a portal in the middle of the Council Chamber? If you're an undocumented Rick, how did you find us? If you're authorized to have a portal gun what the fuck are you doing with it? Where the hell am I?" The newcomer demanded. 

"BROTHER!" Shouted Stanrick.

"Is that a fidget spinner on his chest?" Whispered Mortbel to Dipper. 

"Stanrick?" The stranger asked. He started laughing. "Oh, this is rich! My retarded brother is concerned about me! Really, Stanrick, it took you THIS LONG to figure out portal gun technology? Jeez, what a spaz!"

Dipper started hyperventilating. "It's the author... gonna puke! No, ride it out! Oop! I got this!" Mortbel ran over and patted him on the back.

"Stanrick? You didn't tell me there were children present." Rickford said.

"They're your family, asswipe. Your grandkids." Stanrick explained. 

"I see. A Morty and a Morticia. Useful. I have a perfectly serviceable Morty back home, but some Rick will be glad to have him. Morticias are particularly valuable. Hope you like incest, kid. Ricks who prefer a Morticia tend to have their kink on." 

"My name is Mortbel, mister! You're a poopface! A shit eating, piss drinking poopface! And no one fucks me without my consent!" Mortbel asserted.

"Obviously, you two are going to have to spend some time in the Morty Academy. You're WAY too aggressive. That shit might fly from a Summer, but not a Morty." Rickford opined.

"What are you saying, Rickford? You're HOME! I finally got you HOME! You can see Beth! She wonders about you. Jerry's a fuckin' idiot, but you can't have everything." Stanrick wailed. 

"Like I'm going to get tied down by bullshit in this backwater dimension! I don't give a fuck about Jerrys or Summers or even Beths. I've got important shit to worry about! C-137 got his ass captured, we're taking care of that! You probably couldn't have picked a worse time for this, Stanrick! I've got shit to do! I'll give you ten minutes for questions and then I'm on my way. I'm only doing this because you're almost, not quite, but almost, a Rick. Oh, by the way, my name's not Rickford anymore. I'm Riq IV!" Riq IV expounded. 

"That's what I said! Rickford!"

"No! Riq IV!" 

"Rickford without the D?"

"You're not getting it, Stanrick! Riq IV! That's ar, eye, cue, space, eye, vee! Riq IV! Roman numerals!"

Mortbel giggles "Arrr IQ! Sounds like what you need to pass your pirate exam!"

"Yeah! I got an A in pillaging, I passed broadsides, but I don't have a high enough Arrr IQ! Guess it's back to candle making for me!" Agreed Dipper. 

"Wouldn't that be Riq Quattuor?" Asked Stanrick. 

"This! This is why I left this dimension behind, this kind of bullshit! Do any of you assholes have any REAL questions?" Riq IV complained. 

"Didn't I accidentally send you off to some kind of Lovecraftian hellscape? You were acting pretty paranoid, like a tweaker coming down from a year long meth binge. Kept ranting about some motherfucker named Bill Cipher." 

"Oh, that. Yeah, you did. Turns out you can kill him pretty easily with an antimatter pistol. I took over the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares that he called his friends with no trouble and it took me about a week to build a new portal gun. I got my ass out of the nightmare realm and then the interesting stuff started. I wound up on this planet with seven other Ricks. We all portaled there at more or less the same time. A couple of them, C-137, Rick Prime and Rick Rogers Nelson had already had run-ins with the Galactic Federation. So, me, Rick Prime, Quantum Rick, Maximums Rickimus, Zeta Alpha Rick, and Ricktiminus Sancheziminius all decided to band together against the common threat. We formed the Council of Ricks. We would build a Citadel, a place where Ricks could be free of repressive government interference. Eventually, most of the Ricks from across the Central Finite Curve wound up there. Rick C-137 was offered a spot on the Council but adamantly refused it, condemning the Citadel. He and Rick Rogers Nelson, later known as The Scientist Formerly Known as Rick both argued that you don't fight a government by forming a fucking government. Ha! The Federation finally got him! Who's stupid now, C-137?"

"There is NOTHING about this I understand." 

"That's why you were never invited, Stanrick. You're not really Rick material. Shit, look at the time! I gotta get going! C'mon kids! We're leaving!"

"What's going to happen to us?" Asked Dipper. 

"A better life, for sure! You'll go to the Morty Academy, learn to be proper Morties, get paired up with a Rick and everything will be fine! Poor little Rickless bastards. Goodbye forever, Stanrick! It's been tedious." He grabbed the kids, opened a portal and was gone. 

"Well, fuck!" Stanrick grumbled. "THAT could've gone better! Shit! What'll I tell Beth?"

A knock came at the door. "Whoever that is, they're going to get a fuckin' earful!" Stanrick opened the door. On the other side was a stranger, could've been anyone, any generic reader. "Well, Hello There, Weary Traveler" Stanrick started. "My name is Stanrick Sánchez and my entire life has been a waste of time..."

_______________________________________________________

Riq IV, Dipper and Mortbel stepped through the portal and were on the grand concourse of the Citadel. Riq IV got the attention of a random Rick. "Hey, buddy. Watch these kids a second for me, right? I need to find out what's going on."

"Yes, sir, Riq IV, sir! No problem!" 

Riq IV pulled out a cellphone. "Rick Prime, sitrep! What's-" he disappeared into a shop. 

Dipper and Mortbel looked around. "A city of Grandpas?" Asked Mortbel.

"Most of them look more like Grunkle Stan." Dipper answered. He noticed a Morty carrying what appeared to be one of the Journals. This is commoner than you think. Riq IV had replicated the Journals and published them as a sort of memoir. There are cults of Morties hoping to escape the Citadel and find the halcyon land of dimension [AS]-618. "Hey, look!" He pointed at a group of armed soldiers surrounding a Morty and Summer.

"Well, at least it looks like SOMEONE has it worse than we do!" Mortbel theorized. 

Riq IV returned. "Right, I haven't missed much. C'mon kids! I'm going to show you how we do things on the Citadel!" He opened a portal and dragged them into a large room where five other Ricks, all dressed like him were on a raised dais sitting behind a bench like a courtroom. "Right! You two stand over there and be quiet!" He pointed them to a space behind the bench where they could still see what was going on. Riq IV took his place as four armed Ricks brought in the Morty and Summer they'd noticed outside. They were left standing before the bench and were joined by a Morty in a suit and tie carrying a bunch of papers. 

Riq IV spoke. "Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?"

"How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty." Responded the Morty. 

"It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go." Riq IV said.

"Ha ha, yeah!" Agreed "Lawyer" Morty, flinging papers in the air and doing a little dance. 

"We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?"

"I say fuck you! My grandpa was my hero. You killed him because you were jealous of him. That's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick." Summer answered.

"Wow, grandpa Riq is kind of a dick, isn't he?!" Mortbel said.

"Yeah, now shush! I want to hear how this turns out!" Replied Dipper.

"Humpf, RUDE!" Mortbel said, wrapping her arms around herself and holding her nose in the air. 

"Morty?" Queried Riq IV.

"Lawyer" Morty whispers something into Morty's ear.

"What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection. I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake. Everything right is wrong. All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well -- well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon or a super fucked up god." Morty said, approaching the bench and turning towards his sister.

"Aww! How sweet!" Gushed Mortbel.

"Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead." Riq IV said.

"Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive. And if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!" Morty rejoined, pointing menacingly at the Council. The Council all started grumbling at this. Alarms started blaring and the room shook. The clear sunlight through the windows was replaced by a dirty red light. 

"Quantum Rick! Go see what the fuck is happening!" Riq IV ordered. 

"Order in the court! Whoa! What the hell?! Oh, my God!" "Lawyer" Morty screamed. 

Quantum Rick came running back into the room. "The Citadel's been teleported to (burp) Federation space. It's doomed. This has to be C-137, you guys. What are we gonna do?! You know he's coming for us." He said. 

"I think that C-137 isn't as stupid as grandpa Riq thinks he is!" Dipper opined.

"All right, calm down! We have his Summer as a hostage. Obviously, I get her. You guys play Rick, Laser, Scissors for the Morty." Riq IV declared.

The Council of Ricks made their throws for Rick, Laser, Scissors. However, Quantum Rick's hand was holding a button. 

"W-W-What the hell is that?" Asked Zeta Alpha Rick. 

Quantum Rick ripped off his robe, exposing body armor underneath. "Payback!" He said, pressing the button and every door to the room slammed shut. He proceeded to shoot Rick Prime, Maximums Rickimus, and Zeta Alpha Rick. 

"Grandpa Rick! You're alive!" Summer exclaimed. 

"Duh!" Replied Quantum Rick, shaking his hair out to a rough approximation of most of the Ricks from the concourse and the twins Grunkle Stan. 

"I'm guessing THAT'S Rick C-137." Dipper said. 

"What tipped you off, you big dork?" Mortbel answered. 

"Rick!" Called Morty. 

"Morty, take this. You're gonna need it later." Rick said, tossing a nine-gauge plasma pistol to Morty. Dipper thought he saw a note taped to the pistol. Rick advanced slowly on Ricktiminus Sancheziminius. 

"Hold on, hold on. Whoa!" Begged Ricktiminus Sancheziminius. Rick shot him. 

Riq IV grabbed Summer and wrapped his left arm around her neck. He held a particle ray pistol to her head. "That's enough, Rick." He said.

"Ooh, bad luck!" Said Mortbel. 

"We ARE finding out how they do things on the Citadel, though." Dipper said. "Can't say I care for it."

"What -- What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids. You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here." Rick asked.

"That's a bluff. He's bluffing, sir. He loves me." Summer asserted. 

"You're a rogue Rick -- irrational, passionate. You love your grandkids. You came to rescue them." Riq IV said. 

"I came to kill you, bro. That's not even my original Summer."

"Oh, my God. He's not bluffing. He's not bluffing!"

"R-Rick?" Morty interjected. 

"Why not shoot through her?" Riq IV asked.

"20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil. The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do."

"What the fuck?" Demanded Summer. 

"Or let her go, which I will reward with a quicker death." Continued Rick. 

"Because you love her!" Riq IV argued.

"Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death. But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it. All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl." 

"I hate you!" Summer shouted. 

"Not an issue, sweetie."

Morty leveled his pistol at Rick C-137. "That's enough! Drop the gun, Rick!" He said.

"Morty, I know you're too stupid to get this, but you're really fuckin' this up right now" Rick said to Morty. 

"I'm not letting you let my sister die! Drop the gun!" Morty replied.

"I wasn't gonna let her die, you fuckin' moron!"

"Ha!" Said Riq IV.

"Aww." Went both Summer and Mortbel.

"The point is he thought I was going to." Rick continued.

"I totally did, by the way. You're a fucking moron, Morty." Riq IV said.

Summer shouted "Morty, you fucking idiot!"

Rick agreed. "You're a serious fuckin' idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand."

Everybody started yelling at Morty, including Dipper and Mortbel, variations on a theme of "What a fuckin' idiot!" Morty shoots Rick, right above the unibrow. "Who's stupid now, bitch?!"

"Morty, we just got him back!" Summer wailed.

Riq IV released his grip on Summer. Laughing, he said "That was amazing, Morty. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, let's wrap this-" He fell, dead, with a two inch hole through his skull.

Rick sat up, wiping red paint off of his forehead. "Good job, Morty. Let's go, kids."

"What?! What happened?" Summer exclaimed, overjoyed and dumbfounded.

Rick took the pistol from Morty and tossed it to Summer. "Oldest Rick trick in the book."

Summer read the note on the gun " 'Fake gun, shoot me in standoff.' Brilliant."

"Ha, yeah. G-Good thing I saw that note." Morty said, nervously.

"I guess C-137 IS smarter than grandpa Riq gave him credit for!" Exclaimed Dipper.

Rick noticed the twins for the first time. "Who the fuck are you two supposed to be?" He took in Dipper's pine tree hat and Mortbel's hairband. "You have too much style for Citadel Morties! Where's your Rick?"

"We don't have one!" Mortbel said.

"I think you just shot him." Dipper explained. 

"Well, shit! You two have a home? How'd you get here?" 

Dipper indicated the corpse of Riq IV. "HE brought us here! Right before all this!" He said, waving his arms to take in all the general thisness. 

"Great. Super. Listen kid, in the inside pocket of his l-labcoat robe thing you should find a portal gun. If he brought you here you should be able to use it to get back to wherever you came from." 

"Touch a dead guy?! EWW!" Mortbel said.

"Morty? Show 'em how the Mortiest Morty does shit!" Morty retrieved the portal gun and handed it to Dipper. "Where'd you first turn up here?" Rick asked.

"A plaza, avenue thing with shops and a lot of Ricks and Morties." Dipper answered.

"Right, the grand concourse. Ok, check for the last time the grand concourse shows as a destination. Find it?" Rick explained. Dipper nodded his head. "Hit the arrow going back on itself. What's it read now?"

"[AS]-618. It says (home) in parentheses after that."

"No shit? You really are Riq IV's grandkids than. Huh. Um, sorry I shot your grandfather. In front of you."

"That's ok, we just met him and didn't really like him much." Mortbel explained.

"Yeah, we're an aquired taste. Now, shoo! Get your asses out of here before some Citadel motherfuckers find you." The twins portal away and Rick leads Morty and Summer up some wreckage that clearly isn't part of the Citadel.

"Can't we just portal home?" Summer asks.

"Not until I finish what I started. And that is how you get level-nine access without a password!"

________________________________________________

Back in Gravity Falls, Bumfuck Oregon, Stanrick Sánchez has chased the person who came to the door away and started constructing a machine with a long adjustable arm coming from a base with a socket for a large vacuum tube, the arm ending in a lampshade looking section with two smaller arms coming off of it, ending in electrodes or lenses facing each other. Stanrick plugs a large red vacuum tube into the socket, holds a stuffed jackalope between the smaller arms, a series of lights appears on the main arm, light by light, and when it reaches the sixth light, the tube explodes, a beam passes between the electrodes or lenses and the jackalope turns to dust. Stanrick replaces the vacuum tube and places his own head between the arms. The fifth light lit when a portal opened and the twins burst out, shouting "Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!" He turns his head to them just as the beam flashes and the tube shatters. 

"Kids! You're back! You're okay!"

Dipper looks askance at the apparatus on the counter. "What's all this then?" He asked.

"Just a shitty idea I had. I'll be taking it apart now. What happened?"

Dipper and Mortbel explain what took place on the Citadel. 

"Kids, I'm sorry! I forgot what a shitheel my brother can be and I'm sorry I got you mixed up in this bullshit!"

"That's ok, Grunkle Stan! The other Rick saved our tails! He kinda reminds me of you!" Mortbel said.

"Besides, we got some closure. Now we can tell mom what happened to grandpa. Jeez, I guess we're lucky! And we still have you, the greatest uncle in the world!" Dipper added.

A portal opened up in the shop and Rick stepped out. Stan pulled out a Desert Eagle 50 cal on him. "Who the fuck are you?!" Stan demanded. 

"Really?" Said Rick "A projectile weapon? That's a little low tech for a Rick, don't you think? Anyway, I'm just here because Morty and Summer were being pains in the ass about these two getting home ok. Who the fuck are YOU? These kids said they didn't have a Rick."

"I'm Stanrick Sánchez, their great-uncle."

"Shit, infinite Ricks isn't enough? Some of us have to be twins? Listen, do us both a favor. If any motherfuckers that look like us come around, wanting you to join the Citadel, just shoot 'em in the face, right? I've gotta get home, I think Beth's about to divorce Jerry, don't want to miss that!" He portaled away again.

"Y'know what? Fuck it! If that's what being a Rick is all about, I'll stick with being a Stan! Now, who wants ice cream?" And Stanrick and the twins went to Greasy's and had enough ice cream to make even Mortbel sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had it completed except for the last paragraphs when it went poof! Disheartening. That's why week three of Stanuary is completed in week one of Forduary. Also writing credit should go to Mike McMahan since much of this is stolen wholesale from The Rickshank Rickdemption. 
> 
> I still can't believe that no one has done this! Also, anyone who wants to play in my sandbox is welcome to, as long as they let me know. I would want to read it. There's still the back half of season two, although I don't know how that would work with Bill being dead, but whatever. There's also a whole world of R&M if anyone wants to take Grunkle Stanrick home to Seattle.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe that no one's done this! It's not complete, but I want something out while it's still Stanuary. This little thing has taken over my life for the last week.


End file.
